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The Inanimate Object
Blether
by Patrick
Vickery
"What size of shoe do you take?"
"A shoe the size of my feet."
Well I didn't expect that sort of answer, of course, a bit off-beam if you
ask me, given to me by a child actually, quite logical of course,
perfectly correct, but still unexpected.
On this note, have you ever had one of those days when things go a bit
off-beam yourself? I'm sure you have. Haven't we all? The sort of day when
an inanimate object hits you square in the face for no apparent reason.
Or a stupid day - a day when you do stupid things? I had a stupid day
recently.
Very painful it was too.
I was ambling along the pavement and admiring the shrubs in the park
(Buddleia, Jasmine, Philadelphus, that sort of thing) when a lamp post hit
me on the side of the head. Not really the sort of thing that you expect
to happen, is it, and very similar, in fact, to an incident a number of
years
ago involving a young lady called Cassandra: 'The Cassandra
Incident'.
Cassandra was sauntering along the roadside verge without a care in the
world - just like me - when she was hit full in the face by a road sign,
dented it too, and even now, years later, the imprint of her face (main
features only - nose, chin and forehead) are clearly visible beneath the
words 'Please Give
Way To On-Coming Traffic'. For some reason she didn't see it, you
see, and this despite the fact that she was looking straight ahead at the
time. Now there's a mystery for you. And what do you say after
witnessing an incident like that? 'Are you alright' is a bit lame, a bit
weak, isn't it, particularly when the poor woman is holding her face and
making such horrible moaning noises. Or do you say nothing and pretend not
to notice? Now there's a dilemma. I said nothing at the time, of
course, because I didn't want to embarrass her. Sometimes it's best
to turn a blind eye, isn't it, so I admired the wild poppies in the field
opposite and pretended not to notice anything untoward as she lay dazed
and horizontal on the grass beside me. (In hindsight though - if I recall
correctly - this was an error of judgment for
she was not best pleased, no, not best pleased at all).
But anyway, the final outcome to this saga was simply a matter of dented
pride, dented road sign and no lasting physical injuries to speak of. To
this day, however, I can still hear the sound of Cassandra on Road Sign as
she connected with metal - a ringing, tinging sort of noise.
The lamp post and the road sign incident were accidental of course, but
sometimes this is not the case. Have you ever been tempted to stand on a
garden rake that's lying 'wrong-side' up on the lawn, I wonder?
Well of course you have. Who hasn't?
You know that you shouldn't, of course, you
know what will happen if you do - it's inevitable, isn't it? - but
you stand on it anyway, just a bit, just enough to get the handle rising
slowly off the ground, then wallop, it hits you full in the face before
you can say 'Jack Robinson', 'Gordon Bennet' or whatever your colloquial
phrase might be. Very painful. Do it once and never do it again.
But no matter what dangers lurk out there in the garden (and who invented
the garden shredder for heaven's sake!) we still opt to pursue such a
satisfying pastime with obsessive zeal.
So how about life without gardening?
Would that be a good idea? Cut down on some
of the risks associated with life in general?
No, that's unthinkable, isn't it? Give me a bit of risk and stupidity any
day. After all, isn't that what life's all about?
(Copy write 2002: Patrick Vickery)
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